scenes from The Wild Robot, If and The Imaginary all of which are too damn sad
Movies, Parenting

Stop Trying to Make My Kid Cry!

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Listen, I get it. I think back on some of my favorite childhood movies, and there’s a darkness there.  I’m part of the generation that watched Dorothy get shock-treatment at the beginning of Return to Oz, saw Artax sink into the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story, and realized that, even if Inigo Montoya got his revenge in The Princess Bride, he’d never get his father back — and I emerged a mostly functional adult. So yes, I understand that kids can handle tough emotions in media. And that it’s probably healthy for them to experience those feelings in small doses in a  controlled, safe environment, where they can build up some resilience they can draw upon and use in other, real-life situations.

But seriously, you have to quit it. Stop trying to make my kid cry at the movies.

Earlier this year, we dutifully headed out to see If, starring the jokester my 8-year-old knows as both Deadpool (which she hasn’t seen) and the goofy guy in the Mint Mobile commercials that pop up between her beloved YouTube shorts. It promised to be a light-hearted romp about a series of zany imaginary friends who need to find new child companions. And it was — but it was also maudlin AF and featured not only lonely, lost, and forgotten imaginary friends, but grief over a dead parent and dread at the possibility of a second dead parent! WTF! And in the end, the Feelings-with-a-capital-F overwhelmed the zany imaginary friend plot until it just wasn’t fun anymore. At least we didn’t go cry into the If-themed IHOP menu — since every fast-casual dining establishment wants their food to be associated with movies about the permanence of sorrow, right? — because that would truly be a sad family night out.

So up comes The Imaginary, an animated Netflix import that looked like it kind of had the same premise as If. “Let’s watch this,” we said. “It looks like it’s going to take the same idea and do something different with it.” And you know what? It’s almost the exact same thing, complete with the heavy, dead-parent grief! I hate it!

Listen, filmmakers: You all think you’re making The Iron Giant, but some of you are just making The Brave Little Toaster. You didn’t all earn the right to be bummers. While it’s true that kids don’t have to be shielded and protected from all emotions in movies, the idea that something bad might happen to your parents is kind of a biggie. It’s probably the most primal fear in kids. And you shouldn’t just hit that button just to hit it, to give your stupid imaginary-friend movie some gravitas so you can pretend like you’re making an all-time children’s classic. And movies in general shouldn’t be hitting that button over and over, because then kids won’t like going to the movies and it’ll be even harder to get them to turn off the damn YouTube shorts with the Mint Mobile ads, which they’d rather watch instead of something that reminds of the fleeting mortality of their parents.

Case in point: From the first moments of the trailer for The Wild Robot, the 8-year-old was like, “No.”

“It looks sad,” she said.

“Nah,” we said. “The music in the trailer is sad, but the description says it’s about a robot who has to learn how to get along in nature.”

A random sampling of internet reactions.

Everyone cried at The Wild Robot
It’s better than If, though.

Whoops! Sorry, kid. I told you it wouldn’t be sad.

Margot saying I lied from Hannibal

It’s starting to feel like reserving a ticket to the movies is like signing her up to get punched in the face week after week. Combine that with the rumination on life’s failures in Lightyear or the pondering of the difference between life’s passion and life’s purpose in Soul and we’ve taken the notion that “good kids’ movies also have something for adults” too far! The balance is off.  Don’t make me grateful for the Minions, who promise not to tax anyone emotionally in any way. (Though again those kids do have dead parents.)

The other day, Jesse asked me if he thought it’d be okay to take the 8-year-old to see The Matrix. Sure, it glorifies gun violence. Yeah, it gave the world the phrase “redpilled,” which I hope she never uses. But it’s sure as shit not going to make her cry! Have fun, and call me when you need an Operator.

Marisa
Gripes
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