Stop Trying to Make My Kid Cry!

Listen, I get it. I think back on some of my favorite childhood movies, and there’s a darkness there.  I’m part of the generation that watched Dorothy get shock-treatment at the beginning of Return to Oz, saw Artax sink into the Swamp of Sadness in The NeverEnding Story, and realized that, even if Inigo Montoya got his revenge in The Princess Bride, he’d never get his father back — and I emerged a mostly functional adult. So yes, I understand that kids can handle tough emotions in media. And that it’s probably healthy for them to experience those feelings in small doses in a  controlled, safe environment, where they can build up some resilience they can draw upon and use in other, real-life situations.

But seriously, you have to quit it. Stop trying to make my kid cry at the movies.

Continue reading Stop Trying to Make My Kid Cry!

The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: Top Summer Movies of 2004

Remember 2004? Remember the summer? Remember the summer movies you saw and how maybe only one starred a superhero because you didn’t see Catwoman? Remember Tom Cruise going gray? Remember seeing the new M. Night Shyamalan movie at the Ziegfeld in Manhattan, your first time there since Brother Bear? Remember the IMAX in Nyack where you saw the new Harry Potter movie and how it was demonstrably better than its predecessors within about 15 seconds? Remember that you found out that real IMAX screen closed a few years ago? Remember Uncle Rico? Remember the Shins and Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman telling you to listen to the Shins? Remember that she was recommending stuff off of Oh, Inverted World even though Chutes Too Narrow was already out? Remember when Hugh Jackman wanted more than Wolverine? Remember animated prequels to Universal franchise-starters that didn’t start?

Remember Riddick?

SportsAlcohol.com remembers. And we’re ready to help you remember, too, with this action-packed look back at the summer movies of 2004!

This is the latest in a series and if you want the other 2000s-era installments in the series, here they are:

2000
2001
2002
2003

The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: Oscar Special 2024

In the spirit of the Oscars’ natural excess, your friends at SportsAlcohol.com have prepared not one but TWO podcast episodes for you ahead of this weekend’s 96th Annual Academy Awards! In the first episode, Sara, Jeremy, Ben, Jesse, and Marisa go through the eight biggest categories with our predictions, preferences, and lists of SNUBS! In the second, we get a bit more granular on this year’s Oscars, covering categories related to animation, music, international film, and more!

You can stream both episodes below, or download them, or find us on Apple or whatever; we’re not picky.

The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: The Best Movies of 2023

Once again, SportsAlcohol.com has assembled a crew of movie experts/fans/nerds to talk about the best movies of the year, for our Best Movies of 2023 podcast episode. Nathaniel, Jeremy, Sara, Jesse, Marisa, Becca, and Ben all submitted lists of their best movies of 2023, which were then aggregated into a master list for a lengthy discussion. Indies, blockbusters, auteurs, Godzillas; it’s all here in our Best Movies of 2023 extravaganza! Listen, download, whatever you want, using the player below. And scroll past if you want to go directly to our list and a little bit of contextual discussion outside of our audio joshing.

Continue reading The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: The Best Movies of 2023

The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: Best Music of 2023

Just in time to miss the Grammys entirely, and following a three-year hiatus, the SportsAlcohol.com music enjoyers are back to talk about how they experienced the best music of 2023, whether that’s through indie rock, pop, old favorites, new discoveries, streaming or old-fashioned LPs. Sara, Marisa, Rob, Jeremy, and Jesse are all on hand to chat about trends and antitrends in the year’s music, including thoughts on Boygenius, The National, Caroline Polachek, Olivia Rodrigo, Belle & Sebastian, Blondshell, The Hold Steady, ancient legacy acts, the best shows and albums and singles of the year, and, of course, Joe Jackson.

You can listen or — if you still have a device that plays mp3s — download using the player below. Better yet, you can download the mp3, break it into two parts, and burn it onto a pair of CDs to make the double-album podcast of your dreams!

The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: Godzilla Minus One

Godzilla: He’s the King of the Monsters, and also, right now, the King of All Media. As Godzilla Minus One sets unexpected box office records in the U.S., Monarch: Legacy of Monsters finishes up its first season on Apple TV, and Godzilla fights the damn Justice League in a current comics series, AND with Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire coming out in just a few short months, Jesse and lifelong Godzilla fan/expert Nathaniel sat down to talk about the new movie and the general state of the Godzilla Union. This deep dive is a must for newfound fans of Godzilla Minus One, which may turn up again on our upcoming list of the best movies of 2023… in the meantime, get to stomping!

The Worst Movies of 2023

The worst movie I saw in 2023 was at a film festival; it was an indie production that has yet to be released and, perhaps sparing the filmmakers’ dignity, will remain in this liminal state indefinitely. This is a perfect encapsulation of why many people understandably dislike worst-of-the-year lists. To take a shot at some big hit or critical favorite or Oscar contender when countless genuinely incompetent or horrible productions circulate through the movie world seems disingenuous. And to compose a list of ten such productions seems cruel. Classic lose-lose situation.

At the same time: Sometimes enormous hits are absolutely terrible (particularly when, say, informed by YouTube fandom, rather than any sense of genre, style, or narrative). Sometimes awards contenders go into rigor mortis while you’re watching them. Sometimes other critics inexplicably give a pass to absolute garbage. And sometimes scrappy independent productions are genuinely loathsome. Ah, the dimensions of cinema! Also, watching and writing about movies is how I make (most of) my living – which most of the time constitutes a miraculous stroke of luck on my part. But it can nonetheless involve some measures of frustrations, insecurity, and uncertainty. Those things aren’t the fault of the worst ten movies I see in any given year – but the worst movies of the year can do their part to exacerbate those conditions, however briefly or superficially. These are the moments where this job starts to feel really stupid. That, this year, there are only 10 such occasions out of 200-plus movies is a great sign of life at the movies. So if you’ll indulge me a lot of paraphrasing myself, let’s review the worst of this particular year.
Continue reading The Worst Movies of 2023

In ANYONE BUT YOU, Looks Aren’t Everything – But They’re Not Nothing, Either

Looks aren’t everything, this is true. But in movies, they’re not nothing, either, no matter how hard filmmakers may try to politely demur. In the new romantic comedy Anyone But You, writer-director Will Gluck makes an effort, as he probably must, to downplay the superhuman attractiveness of his stars, Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney. Ben (Powell) may have “like a ten-pack,” as Bea (Sweeney) quips at one point, but his beach sit-ups are made to look silly – uptight and overexerted – and when he goes for a swim with Bea, she’s shocked to learn he’s “hot-girl fit,” all tone and no stamina for cardio. (This doesn’t really comport with what we see anywhere else in the movie, but good effort!) As for Bea herself, the movie can’t find much fault with her own eye-popping body, so Sweeney’s whole deal gets scrutinized; at one point another character describes her as a sad-eyed girl who looks like she’s hiding a secret.

Yet despite this false modesty designed, in concert with various slapstick escapades, to keep audiences from outright resenting its characters, Anyone But You is very much about its looks – in ways that even the most unabashed romantic comedies tend to shyly avoid. Gluck’s sorta-update of Much Ado About Nothing isn’t especially raunchy; it’s rated R, but not really in the Apatow-era mode of all-talk raunch-coms situated squarely from a boy’s point of view. This is a rom-com that embraces plenty of tropes – tries to pass them off as cutely Shakespearean, even – while at the same time rejecting the tacit prudishness of the genre revival we were supposedly getting via streaming services – a cornerstone of which, the mild Set It Off, starred Powell in bland-bro mode. He’s playing a similar type here, and maybe I felt more affection toward him after watching such a sly acknowledgement of his ramrod dorkiness in Hit Man, a weirder and trickier Richard Linklater version of the rom-com. Maybe, though, I was just appreciating how he and Sweeney both play familiar characters who are simultaneously types who seemed to have been banished from the genre: Hot people who take their clothes off.

It would be easy to oversell this aspect of Anyone But You, because it’s relatively tasteful as T&A&A (imagine one of those is for “abs”; Bea’s right, there are a lot of them, maybe too many to count). Ben and Bea meet cute and wind up spending the night together in about a chaste a way as possible for two people who are obviously dying to jump each other’s bones: They cross paths in a coffee shop, do some walk and talk, hang out at Ben’s apartment, and fall asleep together, clothed, on his couch. Then a series of misunderstandings quickly separates them and leaves each party wounded and angered by the other’s presumed rejection, only to have fate knock them back together when it turns out Bea’s sister Halle (Hadley Robinson) is marrying Ben’s pal Claudia (Alexandra Shipp). Trapped together at a destination wedding in Australia, with Bea’s parents pushing her recent ex on one side and Ben’s own ex looming tantalizingly on the other, the pair agrees to put aside their bickering and pretend to be a couple for mutual advantage. But how long can you fake the blush of new lust before it turns into the real thing?

There’s no suspense, not even rom-com suspense, in the answer, because Bea and Ben’s mutual dislike is so canned. The cuteness of their initial encounter requires genuinely barbed screwball banter to sell the thin line between love and hate, and like last year’s Ticket to Paradise, the movie isn’t up to that task, failing to discern between witty dialogue and bluntly traded insults. (Worse, because these two so obviously like each other from the jump, there’s no comedy-of-remarriage ruefulness to their attacks; they’re both essentially shooting blind, which is realistic but not especially funny.)
Continue reading In ANYONE BUT YOU, Looks Aren’t Everything – But They’re Not Nothing, Either

The SportsAlcohol.com Podcast: Labor Day Special

Happy Labor day from your pals at SportsAlcohol.com! We got you a podcast episode! Earlier this summer, Ben convened a small panel of labor experts (by which we mean Marisa, Jeremy, and Jesse) to talk about the bumper crop of movies about companies making products. Air, Blackberry, Flamin’ Hot, and Tetris all came out within months of each other — what gives? In this episode, led by a bona fide MBA, we talk about each movie, which ones (if any) appealed to us and why, and the greater meaning of this trend. (We recorded this episode before The Beanie Bubble dropped but you know what? It’s barely worth discussing anyway!) Please, spend your hard-earned Labor Day with us! Download link available on the embedded player below!